Flawed but not Forgotten

I can't believe I forgot. I never thought I would forget why I was teaching. I think back to the summer before I began teaching and I had so many beautiful plans and ideals. I was going to change the world, make every student feel important and reach their full potential. I guess it's not any different with parenting. I don't know about other pregnant mothers, but I remember lying in bed at night, dreaming about a day at the park with my perfectly dressed child, swinging her around in my arms as a whirlwind of autumn leaves drift softly around us in our perfect vortex. Sadly, as soon as I had my perfect little baby, I quickly realized in my exhausted stupor that I was so so so so wrong. Even as I was trying to prepare breakfast, calm a screaming child, clean up from dinner the night before, and start a load of laundry, I was never going to make it to the park, because if things actually ever quieted down enough to have a beautiful moment in the park, I would rather crawl on to my couch and sleep. Nonetheless, I would never give up being a parent, because the really beautiful moments that are squashed between all of the painful, exhausting moments make the whole experience worthwhile.

Parenting parallels teaching in so many ways. I see that now. Teaching is mostly about the daily drudge of fighting over assignments, discipline and grading, and usually at the end of the day we are exhausted. But every now and then you have this moment with your students that reminds you how beautiful learning really is. I was recently reminded of this during one of my classes as we discussed Elie Wiesel's book, Night. One of my students irritatingly blurted out a question in the midst of a discussion instead of raising his hand, but his question made me stop and ponder. It got my attention. He asked me if I like what I do. I looked into the serious eyes of my student and saw that the short answer would not suffice. So I pondered for a moment. Then I looked back at my student and said, "Yes. I can't think of anything else I would rather be doing right now at this very moment than share this novel with you." I realized in my answer why it is exactly that I love my job. As I swim through the unrealistic bureaucratic and societal demands of my job, when it's me and my students inside the walls of my room, I offer them something to war against the ignorance of the world. There are many ways to deal with daily problems, but how do you fight a war against hate, racism or poverty? The only way we can fend off the social diseases of the world is through education. I can't believe I forgot, but GOD BLESS the student who reminded me with his eye-piercing question. I am proud of what I do. I can't think of anything else more important than to release and shape future generations, whether as a parent or an educator. 

Steinbeck will forever stick with me

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There is nothing more to say. It is all encompassing.

Adventures in Babysitting

WARNING! EPIC FAIL!  Today was another one of those days, when you leave the classroom feeling like a complete loser as a teacher.  Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here at all?  One of my students just imploded during class today and refused to do anything.  As I tried to talk to him in the hall, all he could do was turn his back on me.  NO MATTER WHAT I OFFERED as a reason to come back in and try reciting his poem again, he wanted nothing to do with me or my class.

It bothers me that it bothers me so much! There are so many things in and around my career that I don't give a rat's ass about, but I will always hold onto that little flicker of hope that longs to make a change in a kid who is self-destructing.  I want them to see their own potential.  I can see it inside of them.  Every great now and then I see something really amazing in this kid, and right before we are about to hit the jackpot of success in my class....he self destructs.  The problem is, he  explodes in anger with every last bit of insecurity and self preservation inside of him. He won't accept a single consequence and he doesn't care what rude or obscene phrases come out of his mouth.  It's unreal.  Many times, I can't react.  I can only stand there and stare with my mouth open and stare blankly into his glazed over eyes. 

There's no use calling his Mom, she has yet to offer any positive solutions to the problem.  There's no use calling the principal because there isn't anything or anywhere we can send this kid in the school for a consequence (he wouldn't show up anyway).  So what do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I help this kid see that his response is going to lead to very painful consequences when he tries to hold down a job some day, or even finish High School? I'm at a loss.  He's got the potential to be great at sports, but he probably won't ever be eligible, because nobody cares enough to make his life uncomfortable now in order to for him to be more comfortable later.

It's the strangest reality of teaching.  Some students are simply out of my reach.  Not because I won't fight for them, but because no one will fight with me.  Where is everybody.  Didn't Hillary Clinton say, "it takes a village."  Where is this boy's village? I can't lie. Today I sat in the back of my class and had a good frustrated cry.   Somedays, I just wonder why?

Research Based Standards--Ha!

"In reading the recently proposed Common Core Standards already accepted by all but three states, I could not see many elementary school children of any background or ability meeting the standards at the grades designated.  In my view, as a former elementary teacher and principal, the standards overestimate the intellectual, physilogical, and emotional development of young children, asking them to think analytically as they read or write, extract subtle meanings from text, and make fine distinctions with and across texts.  Such deliberative and intensive behaviors are not supported by the research
on child development, nor are they anywhere else in children's lives today."  Joanne Yatvin, educator

Thank you Ms. Yatvin! I could not have said it better myself!

Really?

I've recently just discovered that the great state of Colorado is planning on cutting education funding once again.  I know everyone is so tired of hearing teachers complain about the problem, but sometimes I wonder who out there exactly is standing up for the people education our nation's youth? We are required to meet certain expectations and many of us go beyond the expectations laid out before us and pursue higher levels of mastery in our careers with Master's degree and professional development, so that we can offer our students the best.

What is so infuriating is that so many people fail to realize that our salaries are not covering the expenses required to be a licensed, highly qualified teacher.  Can someone explain this to me? The state wants our students to achieve more, they want their teachers to raise achievement levels, but they don't want to fund already underfunded schools. I'm confused. I'm baffled.  And if one more person tells me that I need to maintain a positive outlook and "do it for the kids," I will scream hysterically.  Why don't the administrators or the president take a pay cut or all of the polititcians who continue to raise their own salaries? Why don't they just work for "the sake of the country?"  It's exhausting and demoralizing and dishonoring to the hard work we've invested in our careers. 

My exhaustion from teaching will never come from dealing with students, it will come from the lack of respect our country places on the value of knowledge.

The Great Sticky Note Escape

It's embarrassing really...

I have no money left in my measly classroom budget this year to buy simple sticky notes.  And since I make well below the state median in pay, there is NO way I'm buying any supplies out of my own pocket.

So there I was in the teacher's lounge making copies for one of my classes and wondering what I was going to use for the active reading strategy I wanted to teach to my 7th grade Language Arts students that day.  Its a simple activity really.  The kids use the stickies to write questions or predictions they have in their mind as they read the story.  When something arises they can post it right in the book at the exact spot that triggered the question or thought.  It's a great easy way for me to check in on their interaction with the text they're reading and they love using the sticky notes. I guess I don't blame them.  I get a secret satisfaction out of finding something important to write on a sticky and placing it with authority on whatever folder or object has earned the Sticky Note Right.

But there they were staring me in the face.  A stack of little multicolored pastel stickies.  Damn those stickies.  It was awful.  Staring at me...taunting me really.  It was as if the little flaps were moving like mouths, telling me, "take me, stick me." The moral dilemma of it all disturbs me.  To take what didn't belong to me and make my day just a little easier or to walk proudly down the hall and spend 20 more minutes of my already dwindling planning time coming up with an alternative.  What to do? 

That's right...I took them and ran dammit.  I don't know if I was undetected or if our sweet school secretary just felt plain sorry for me, but I got away with it.  And for all of you out there who might be judging me, staring at this post with your jaws wide open, in awe, that I, a teacher of our impressionable youth of America, would steal, just to make my life easier...well I say to you...Judge AWAY.  I'm exhausted.  I have one planning period a day and four different classes to plan and grade for.  I'm glad I did it.  And as I've reflected on my actions, I realize it's the sad, pathetic, unrealistic, demands of our national and state educational systems that has left me to beg, borrow, and steal my way through the muddy trenches of another school year!